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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

no more fear. no more sabotage.

when i first held my canon rebel xti 2 years ago, i thought for a mere second that i was all legit and "yaaayo!"  but i soon realized that i had no idea what i was doing.  i was shooting in automatic because i didn't know what the other letters on my dial even stood for, i had no idea about how to use light, i even thought diagonal pictures were cool.

i quickly wanted to explore more.  so i started doing fun, practice shoots and even got a few paid ones, all the more realizing i still didn't know what i was doing.  but i knew i wanted to be a photographer.  i knew it then like i know it now.  so i got harder and harder on myself.

this is where the past few months come in.  i've been reading, lots and lots of reading.  many a late night hour is spent googling, skimming articles and forums, reading the 'for photographers' section of photographers' blogs that i love.  i made q-cards and i study them regularly.  i watch online tutorials and workshops.  i practice and i practice.  and i've been proud of myself for taking control of my own learning.. if you know me, you know i hate school like i hate carrots. 

today, while daydreaming, i thought that same thought, "i want to be a photographer."   then travis asked me something i've foolishly never asked myself, "who is your ideal client?" 

for a brief second, i was dumb founded as to how to answer.  that suddenly followed up with feeling ashamed at my not knowing.  then i immediately told myself what i've rehearsed to others many times, "when we move i'll focus on the business aspect, on developing my brand.  when i'm in a better financial situation, when everything is lined up cleanly and correctly, that's when ill try to really make it happen." 

but deep down i know there's no cookie-cutter, perfect time.  my someday-business is not going to just put itself into a little pink, wrapped up box on my front porch and ring my door bell and holler, "HELLOOOO ASHLEY!  open me!"  it's never going to be that easy.  i do know that.

..i am just so afraid of failing.  worse, i'm afraid of failing publicly.  so i'm waiting for some never-coming-moment to present itself to me as the time.  that right there is the truth and man, do i feel like such a complete tool saying it.

i've let fear of failing rule everything.  i have continued to sabotage my dream, my potential career, my life, myself.  as much as i'm putting into learning photography, i'm purposefully avoiding building my brand.  i make like a 1% effort to share my imagery, to blog, i spend 2 ounces of time towards post production, i dream up creative projects for myself and then don't commit.   all the while, with my many excuses ready to pull out of my back pocket.

i know my husband believes in me, my family believes in me and my friends believe in me.  i have an entire circle of people surrounding and supporting me.  that is so utterly amazing and i'm so thankful for you guys.  so today, i'm pointing out the giant elephant that's been following me around and i'm saying it in freaking writing to anyone that happens to be listening.. i'm going to fight my instincts, i'm going to kick my own ass and try.  no more fear.  no more sabotage!  








1 comment:

  1. Your photos are awesome, I love them because I feel like I'm looking at a memory.

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