once again blog, i've been neglectful to you. it's a good thing you're not a puppy because you'd be awfully sad and skinny by now. okay, you'd be down right dead by now. perhaps i'll pick up the pace, but perhaps.. not.
i'm 23. yup, just turned it. shudder. i've really become one of those women that DESPISE telling her age. everyone around me laughs and/or groans and or shakes their head at my fear and sadness of being 23. i hear you, i hear you, i'm "still young." and deep down i know that but still, i can't shake the feeling that i'm supposed to be so much more, right here, right now, at 23.
we had a plan, travis and i. such a solid plan i made a scrapbook of it as a gift to travis for our first year (dating) anniversary. how do you make a scrapbook of the future, you ask? I HAVE PSYCHIC POWERS. bad ones. but really, we mapped everything out. right now, according to the scrapbook, we should have lived in africa already and currently be living in the country side. i should be a teacher, travis should be the owner of his own plumbing company, we should be going through the motions of adopting our first child, i should be skinny, smart, wonderful. but.. none of that happened. regardless of what the un-psychic scrapbook says, this is my life. we haven't stepped foot in africa, we bought a reallyreeeeally old house that is determined to eat us alive, i dropped out half way through getting my english degree at ufv, i'm still working as my mom's assistant at the insurance office and travis is still working as a plumber for any company that has work. oh, and i seemed to have gained weight. again.
so, saying i'm 23, to me, is like waving the white flag of defeat. it's like hearing a little nagging voice reminding me, "oh hey ash, you failed!"
i know i should stop my whining. especially cos i can't say i'm 100% disappointed that everything didn't work out. i don't want to be a teacher anymore, i don't want to be living in the country side (yet) and i don't want to have children (yet). as much as i may want to kick myself for some of the choices i made or didn't make, i have learned a valuable lesson.. i am not in control. we are not in control. it's cliche (my apologies), but you have to play the cards you were dealt. some get a crappy hand and it is what it is. sometimes you make a crappy decision and it is what it is. and just as life can change on a whim, so can our minds and what we want or thought we wanted.
i'm an over-achiever, ocd, type-a, annoying list maker. of course i have a goal list for 2011. OF COURSE I DO. but this time i wrote it in pencil. cos nothing is permanent. and on that note, please send a little prayer for travis' grandma and grandpa right now. although she was laughing with friends and playing cards last night, grandma schulz was suddenly admitted to emerg this morning in critical condition with pneumonia. she is now in intensive care, in need of a complicated heart surgery. and grandpa schulz needs all the strength and love he can get, too.
now this post has gotten just too long so here's a little teaser of my next blog post of our family mini-vacay.. TOFINO!
(ya, i wear fingerless gloves. what!)
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